Melody Of My Mind

I’ve had a middle school style crush on the same guy for nearly a month now and I know he likes me back. Things are just so stupid complicated. 

I mean I feel dead inside but I’m not using you like you use me

Tired of all these stupid fuck boys in my life. It costs you exactly $0.00 to not be a little shit.

Mental Illness

My mental illness is not a fun personality quirk. It is not something I want to bond over. It is not who I am, I try not to let it define who I am. I am strong and working through this every day of my life. I am forced to hide it from those I socialize with. 

& To Andre. You’re a piece of shit, I fucking hate being around you. I am tired of hearing you make up stories about how you’re “sad” or “depressed” as a joke. You have no idea what its like for me to have to sit there stone faced rethinking every small dumb thing I have ever done in my life. You know what I am coping with. Every time you give me shit for not being around enough last semester as I was dealing with sinking deeper and deeper into my depression. When you gave me shit for being strong enough to come out of an abusive relationship and told me to get over it when the woman who raised me died. The one person I was closest to, she died out of nowhere and you expect me to want to sit in the office and shoot the shit with a bunch of nobodies. I want to be alone, I want to sit in my room in my solitude and darkness and try to feel more of nothing. I’m tired of the sadness, I am tired of feeling down, I am content with the no one my pills make me. You sit around making jokes about battered women and how women deserve it. You’re a piece of shit, there is no one on this Earth I despise more than you. 

You joke about suicide. Do you know what it feels like to tip toe around your family during the holidays, or everyday for a matter of fact. Do you know what its like to be looked at like a zoo animal. The weirdo freak of the family? Something tells me you don’t. Seems to me that your family adores you and that you’ve been in a healthy relationship. I am so fucking sick of your toxicity. 

A lot of things in life are really peculiar. But I hate the things, smells, tastes, noises, feeling, etc. that remind you of the good and the bad that you’ve shared with people that no longer care about you. 

Why did you tell me you loved me in the first place? 

In the end we both loved each other.
But both of us had problems.
We needed to work on ourselves.
Not each other.
I’m so sorry.

Lately & How to say goodbye for forever

My life has been pretty hectic lately. Having had my gramé, who was essentially a second mother to me passing away and all. I know I haven’t posted here I’m awhile but I plan on posting more frequently again. Today I just wanted to talk about a few things that have been haunting me lately. My ex boyfriend and I have been broken up for about 6 months now. For some reason I still feel pain when I think about it. I’m not sure if it’s because he was my first love or because he was so incredibly meshed into my life for what felt like a very long time. Since my grandmother has passed away and I’m off from uni for awhile I’ve had so much time to think. Too much time. Thoughts of Jesse and my gramé swamp my mind until I find myself tearing up. I know he doesn’t miss me and I know he doesn’t care. The only boy I ever loved swiftly replaced me with another girl. He took the rug out from under my feet. Although I was the one to break it off in the end… I guess I just knew he didn’t love me anymore and for the longest time I blamed myself for this. But I realize that it’s not my fault that this happened. I guess it’s no ones fault. But he did salt my wounds by replacing me so fast. It hurt my heart it made me so bitter. My friend ran into him the other day he said,“Sara hates me.” Fuck I wish that was true that way I wouldn’t have to worry about you. I don’t want to be with you but sometimes there’s just deep parts of me I only shared with you. I keep them bottled up know. The depression. My suicidal thoughts. All of them, to myself. I’m sorry i guess it’s just this is my first Christmas without you and my grandmother and both of you are constantly on my mind now. I’m sure it’ll pass, I just to keep moving forward.